I said shut up and listen to me

2007-03-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

im back.

much to the dismay of everybody.

actually come to think of the fact that i haven't exactly been blogging for a million years now, i dont think i have anyone even checking back at my blog anymore.

my girlfriend's off to genting!
and im missing her like crap.

i haven't exactly been able to contact her cos her phone's off, and she didn't blog like she promised to so i figured she probably couldnt get a internet connection line over at the hotel.

im missing her so much im like a walking dead soul, i cant sleep i cant eat, and no amount of makeup can cover how i look now.

im getting nothing of her except for the occasional calls she gives me from the payphones. but even so, its only a few seconds call to say hi and bye cos the money cant last that long too.

i woke up this morning, feeling very lost.

i dont even snooze on my bed anymore, i just wake up from my alarm clock. something that i havent been able to do since last year when i finished my olevels.

i went down to singapore poly to do my student card, and they refused to let me take my photo because of my hair color. im in such a damned bad mood nowadays that i just want to stand up and slap the bitch infront of me. but she suggested that i buy a temporary color hair spray to spray it black to just settle the student card photo. i said thanks and i just left the place.

i wanted to call baby when i walked out, but i realised i couldnt.

i dont know what washed over me, my over-dependence on my girlfriend, my sadness about her not being around me everyday, and my anger towards the admin staff of the school.

i walked out of school, i crossed the road and took my bus.

i sat through busstops and busstops and i delibrately missed my stop.

i felt lost, i felt empty.

and even though this is not the first time im saying this, i realised just how important you are in my life.

i sat and sat till i honestly dont know where am i.

i swear if nobody called to save me, i'd have continued sitting buses till the end of the day and cry my eyes out.

my phone rang and it took me a while to process it.

i picked it up, it was lerrick.

she "hello! where are you and kris?"

me "kris is in genting and im on a bus"

she "where you heading to?"

me "nowhere"

and at that point of time i sounded very suicidal and lost. i kept saying i dont know where am i and i dont know what to do.

i think i kind of freaked her out and she told me to get off the bus immediately and go meet her in town. but i kept saying i dont know where i am and i was very lost. she literally had to scream me out of my trance and get me off the bus.

thanks lerrick alot for saving my life. i really wouldnt know what to do because i was so damn lost and gone and i was ready to cry my eyes out.

there are times when you really miss somebody so much that you really dont know what to do. you're lost and for that moment you cant catch back your soul and mind.

i know i shouldn't be too overly dependent on you, but i can't help it.

met up with my ex-tutor and also my very very good friend later in the night. was really great catching up with her as always. im so glad i found a friend in her. :)

hope you enjoyed your day in genting my love. waiting for you to come back soon. :)

2006-09-18T11:28:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against?
I have, I've been protested and demonstrated against.
Picket signs for my wicked rhymes.
Look at the times.
Sick is the mind of the mother fucking kid that's behind all this commotion.
Emotions run deep as ocean's exploding.
Tempers flaring from parents, just blow 'em off and keep goin.
Not taking nothing from no one, give 'em hell long as I'm breathing.
Keep kickin' ass in the morning, and taking names in the evening.
Leav them with a taste as sour as vinegar in their mouth.
See, they can trigger me but they never figure me out.
Look at me now, I bet ya probably sick of me now.
Ain't you mama, I'ma make you look so ridiculous now.

I'm sorry, Mama. I never meant to hurt you.
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleanin' out my closet.

I got some skeletons in my closet and I don't know if no one knows it.
So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it, I'ma expose it.
I'll take you back to 73 before I ever had a multi-platinum sellin' CD.
I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months.
My faggot father must have had his panties up in a bunch, cuz he split.
I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye.
No, I don't on second thought, I just fuckin' wished he would die.
I look at Hailie and I couldn't picture leavin' her side.
Even if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I'd tryto make it work with her at least for Hailie's sake. I maybe made some mistakes but I'm only human.
But I'm man enough to face them today.
What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb,
but the smartest shit I did was take them bullets out of that gun.
Cuz i'd killed 'em, shit I would have shot Kim and him both.
It's my life, I'd like to welcome y'all to The Eminem Show.

Now I would never dis my own mama just to get recognition.
Take a second to listen for you think this record is dissin,'
But put yourself in my position.
Just try to envision witnessin' your Mama poppin' prescription pills in the kitchen,
bitchin' that someone's always goin' throuh her purse and shits missin.'
Going through public housing systems, victim of Munchausen's syndrome.
My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't 'til I grew up, now I blew up.
It makes you sick to ya stomach,doesn't it?
Wasn't it the reason you made that CD for me, Ma?
So you could try to justify the way you treated me, Ma?
But guess what, yer gettin' older now and it's cold when your lonely.
An' Nathan's getting' up so quick, he's gonna know that your phoney.
And Hailie's getting' so big now, you should see her, she's beautiful.
But you'll never see her, she won't even be at your funeral.
See what hurts me the most is you won't admit you were wrong.
Bitch, do ya song.
Keep tellin' yourself that you were a mom.
But how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get.
You selfish bitch, I hope you fuckin' burn in hell for this shit.
Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?
Well, guess what, I am dead.
Dead to you as can be.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart, and you know you were their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you, despite you?
What happens when you become the main source of her pain?
"Daddy look what I made", Dad's gotta go catch a plane
"Daddy where's Mommy? I can't find Mommy where is she?"
I don't know go play Hailie, baby, your Daddy's busy, Daddy's writing a song, this song ain't gonna write itself
I'll give you one underdog then you gotta swing by yourself
Then turn right around in that song and tell her you love her
And put hands on her mother, who's a spitting image of her
That's Slim Shady, yeah baby, Slim Shady's crazy
Shady made me, but tonight Shady's rocka-by-baby

And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn rejoice
Every time you hear the sound of my voice, just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain, just smile back

I keep having this dream, I'm pushing Hailie on the swing
She keeps screaming, she don't want me to sing
"You're making Mommy cry, why? Why is Mommy crying?"
Baby, Daddy ain't leaving no more,
"Daddy you're lying"
You always say that, you always say this is the last time
"But you ain't leaving no more, Daddy you're mine"
She's piling boxes in front of the door trying to block it
"Daddy please, Daddy don't leave, Daddy - no stop it!"
Goes in her pocket, pulls out a tiny necklace locket
It's got a picture, "this'll keep you safe Daddy, take it with you'"
I look up, it's just me standing in the mirror
These fuckin' walls must be talking, cuz man I can hear them
They're saying "You've got one more chance to do right" - and it's tonight
Now go out there and show that you love 'em before it's too late
And just as I go to walk out of my bedroom door
It's turns to a stage, they're gone, and this spotlight is on
And I'm singing...

Sixty thousand people, all jumping out their seat
The curtain closes, they're throwing roses at my feet
I take a bow and thank you all for coming out
They're screaming so loud, I take one last look at the crowd
I glance down, I don't believe what I'm seeing
"Daddy it's me, help Mommy, her wrists are bleeding,"
But baby we're in Sweden, how did you get to Sweden?
"I followed you Daddy, you told me that you weren't leavin'
"You lied to me Dad, and now you make Mommy sad"
And I bought you this coin, it says 'Number One Dad'"
That's all I wanted, I just want to give you this coin"
I get the point - fine, me and Mommy are going"
But baby wait,
"it's too late Dad, you made the choice"
Now go out there and show 'em that you love 'em more than us"
That's what they want, they want you Marshall, they keep screamin' your name
It's no wonder you can't go to sleep, just take another pill
Yeah, I bet you you will.
You rap about it, yeah, word, k-keep it real
I hear applause, all this time I couldn't see
How could it be, that the curtain is closing on me
I turn around, find a gun on the ground, cock it
Put it to my brain and scream "die Shady" and pop it
The sky darkens, my life flashes, the plane that I was supposed to be on crashes and burns to ashes
That's when I wake up, alarm clock's ringin', there's birds singin'
It's Spring and Hailie's outside swinging,
I walk right up to Kim and kiss her
Tell her I miss her,
Hailie just smiles and winks at her little sister
Almost as if to say..

------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now
But hey, what daddy always tell you?
Straighten up little soldier
Stiffen up that upper lip
What you cryin' about?
You got me.

Hailie, I know u miss ur mom
And I know u miss ur dad when I’m gone
But I’m tryin' to give u the life that I never had
I can see you're sad
Even when you smile
Even when you laugh
I can see it in ur eyes
Deep inside you wanna cry
Cuz you're scared
I ain’t there,
Daddy’s with you in your prayers
No more cryin'
Wipe them tears
Daddy’s here
No more nightmares
We gonna pull together through it
We gonna do it
Lainie's uncle’s crazy ain’t he,yeah
But he loves you girl and you better know it
We’re all we got in this world
When it spins
When it swirls
When it whirls
When it twirls
Two little beautiful girls
Lookin' puzzled, in a daze
I know it’s confusing you
Daddy’s always on the move
Mama’s always on the news
I try to keep you sheltered from it
But somehow it seems, the harder that I try to do that
The more it backfires on me
All the things, growin' up
As daddy, daddy had to see
Daddy don’t want you to see
But you see just as much as he did
We did not plan it to be this way,Your mother and me
But things have got so bad between us
I don’t see us ever being
Together ever again
Like we used to be like when we was teenagers
But then of course
Everything always happen for a reason
I guess it was never meant to be
But it’s just something
We have no control over
And that’s what destiny is
But no more worries
Rest ur head and go to sleep
Maybe one day we’ll wake up
And this will all just be a dream

Now hush little baby don’t u cry
Everything's gonna be all right
Stiffin' that upper lip up little lady I told ya
Daddy’s here to hold ya through the night
I know mommy’s not here right now and we don’t know why
We fear how we feel inside, it may seem a little crazy
Pretty baby but I promise, Mama’s gon' be alright

It’s funny,
I remember back one year when daddy had no money
Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up
And stuck 'em under the tree
And said some of 'em were from me,
Cuz daddy couldn’t buy ‘emI’ll never forget that Christmas
I sat up the whole night crying
cuz daddy felt like a bum,See daddy had a job
But his job Was to keep the food on the table for you and mom
And at the time every house that we lived in either kept getting broken into and robbed or shot up on the block
And your mom, was saving money for you in a jar
Try da to start a piggy bank for you
So you could go to college
Almost had a thousand dollars
Till someone broke in and stole it
And I know it hurt so bad it broke your mamma’s heart
And it seemed like everything was just starting to fall apart
Mom and dad was arguing a lot
So mama moved back on to Chalmers in a flatOne bedroom apartment
And dad moved back to the other side of 8 mile on Novara
And that’s when daddy went to California with his CDAnd met Dr. Dre and flew you and Mama out to see me,
But daddy had to work, you and mama had to leave me,
Then you started seeing daddy on the TV
And mama didn’t like it
And you and Lainnie were too young to understand
Papa was a rollin stone, mama developed a habit
And it all happened too fast for either one of us to grab it
I’m just sorry you were there and had to witness it firsthand
Cuz all I ever wanted to do was just make you proud
Now I’m sittin’ in this empty house,
Just reminiscing
Looking at your baby pictures it just tricks me out
To see how much you both have grown it’s almost like you're sisters now
Wow, guess you pretty much are and daddy’s still here
Lainnie I’m talking to you too daddy’s still here
I like the sound of that, yeah
It’s got a ring to it don’t it
Shhh, mama’s only gone for the moment

And if you ask me to, daddy’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Ima' give you the world,
Ima' buy a diamond ring for you,
Ima sing for you,
I’ll do anything for u to see u smile
And if that Mocking Bird don’t sing and that ring don’t shine
I’ma break that birdie’s neck,
I’ll go back to the Jeweler Who sold it to ya
And make him eat every carat
Don’t fuck with dad.

--------------------------------------------------------------

i love eminem,
because he's always so goddamn honest and straight to the point with what he feels.

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

2006-09-14T01:31:00.000-07:00

and recently ive found my new-found pasttime

which is to sit down in a quiet corner of the coffee bean at paragon,
sipping my one and only loved espresso,
and just plain people-watch.

and preferably with my shades on so no one can recognise me.
because for some strange reason i dont like to acknowledge people i know when you're chilling out with just yourself.

sitting down there at that quiet corner people-watching somehow makes me think alot,
of strange things that i never once thought of before.

one of the strange things is when i try to figure myself out,
why is it that i like to order a single espresso and put in two sachets of sugar?

not many people like to drink espresso the way that i do,
my baby came a while later and upon taking a sip of my cup she made a face and look like she's gonna bleach anytime soon, "why is it so goddamn sweet?!"

and the more i sit there alone and sip my espresso bit by bit,
i realise the reason why.

its because i like the way how espresso is so bitter and yet when i put in two sachets of sugar it brings out a tinge of sweetness and at the same time, bitterness.

up till today i still dont know why whenever i head towards a coffee place,
i always only order single espresso and put in two sachets of sugar.
and i really dont know why i like it that way, i just do.

so sitting down there alone with the cup at one hand,
choosing songs on my ipod at the other hand,
and looking at the whole world revolve around me beneath those shades of mine has became my new past-time.

so dearest baby, i dont blame you at all for making me wait for you on that wednesday afternoon. (:

and i guess its just me,
the way i like to percieve things.

just like how i tore open the packet of kinder bueno among the huge bag of many many tidbits my girl bought for me,
i thought about how much i love to eat kinder surprise.

the fact that the kinder surprise chocolate itself isnt really that fantastic just shows that my desire for kinder surprises are the different different toys inside.

i look up at my transparent cupboard and i caught sight of the two long rows of kinder surprise toys i collected over the years and i start to think about it.

its been months since i last ate kinder surprise,
and i start to remember that feeling,
the same old feeling i always feel whenever i crack open a chocolate egg and take out the toy inside,
eager to see what sort of toy i got this time round.

i love the way surprises works,
the feeling of anticipation and eagerness,
the amazement of how high opening and discovering a surprise could make you.

but the only problem with kinder surprise,
is the way you open up so many boxes of them,
and soon you start to think to yourself that you're still gonna get back the same old toys you used to,
or you'll never find some cute one that you'll like.
and everytime i open a new box,
it never fails to make me dissappointed by the way i got another replica of the same old one i already have,
or a new one that looks just terrible.

and i look up at that two rows of kinder toys i have,
and i realise how i have replicas here and there,
and then i start to think,
maybe its because sometimes we put too much hope in things that it doesnt turn out the way you want or expect it to,
the dissappointment you face will be so much bigger.
because you brought yourself so high up into the air thinking things will just turn out fine,
and then you fall straight to the ground,
dusting dirt off yourself while laughing at yourself for expecting and putting in too much hope.

and then i start to think of another thing,
about the famous forest grump line,
"life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you'll get."

but then i think again,
why wont you know what you'll get?

you bought that box of chocolates,
its written on the cover,
its written at the bottom of the box,
its written all over what you're going to get.

so why wont you know?

it's because most of the time most of us here turn a blind eye to what we should have seen,
whether accidently or intentionally.

accidently in the sense that we're blinded by other factors,
and we stepped into trouble without knowing what the next step would be.

just like hotspur in king henry IV part I by william shakespeare,
he couldnt see through his uncle's (worcester) evil intentions,
and he unknowingly let worcester manipulate him.
using the fact that hotspur is rash and reckless,
worcester provoked his anger for the king,
and let him misunderstood that the king refused peace,
and the next thing you know we see prince hal,
the smart one killing hotspur in a battle,
in a bat of an eyelash.

was hotspur plain stupid?
or is worcester to be blamed for hotspur's entire downfall?

worcester is to be blamed for hotspur's downfall,
but hotspur has to be blamed for most his own death.

he stepped right in,
knowing that he should check everything twice before believing what the uncle says.
just like my last post,
"learn that not everyone can be trusted, no matter how sweet or nice they look."

he was unable to see through his uncle's evil intentions,
never once looking through all that misty cover and what the cover of the chocolate box actually says.

but if he looked carefully at that chocolate box forest grump gave him,
and on it says "POISONOUS" in bold and red ink,
would he still open up the box and taste one of those chocolates?

but sometimes though,
we intentionally turn a blind eye to everything that's infront of us.

we know that would happen,
many people around have been saying that the chocolate box is poisonous,
because they can see it from a third party view.
and if we sit down and think carefully,
slowly uncovering all the misty clouds infront of our eyes,
and we realise that the box says "POISONOUS" in bold and red ink,
would we still open up the box and taste those chocolates?

or are we still going to sit down there and step right into the mess,
spend days moaning and groaning about the shit that is happening,
all the while knowing that the box says "POISONOUS" and ignoring people's advices?

2006-08-30T02:24:00.000-07:00

in life, you can learn a few things

first, is not to backstab and betray people that you shouldnt,
second, is to learn that the first thing you should do is to save yourself,
third, is to know well your own limits,
and lastly, learn that not everyone in this world can be trusted, no matter how sweet they look.

it's quite a sad thing that i only learnt all this now.

2006-08-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

out of a sudden i decided to go to friendster after so many months of not visiting it.
and then i found this testimonial given to me by a person who means so much to me.
and im gonna publish it here because its the most beautiful thing she has ever said to me.

MANPIN Posted 12/8/2006
i'm not trying to be disgusting or gross and this will be the first and last time to let you see this side of me. hahaha.

i love you, girl.
and yes, for everything that you have done and the times when you speak to me over the phone whenever i'm high, down or whatsoever shit.
this is going to sound wrong but you are always there when i needed you, as in, you know, when i needed someone to talk to, to cry to, to rant to.
funny as it seems, we are not the bestest of friends because we have our own hmmm, best friends. haha.
however, putting those aside, i will definitely say that you're like my 2nd best friend lah. hahaha, honoured ? for sure, you are.

all right, mushy stuff aside.
i know you love recieving my messages and you'll always anticipate for more yeah ? AHAHA, this part is fucked up but who cares a shit !

with much love,
your one & only bullshit partner.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

at that point of time i couldnt do anything except try to not cry,
and i just kept re-reading the testimonial over and over again.

when i saw the "i'm not trying to be disgusting or gross and this will be the first and last time to let you see this side of me. hahaha."
i was thinking to myself,
"aiya this girl, which side of her have i never seen before?"

and then i read on and i saw "i love you, girl." and the rest of the mushy things that follows,
i just choked,
on both saliva and tears

and then i thought to myself again,
"THIS is the one and only side of manpin that she has never shown to me before."

and somehow at that point of time,
everything we've been through since sec three started flashing through my mind.

the times when i added her on msn messenger and so we started talking on,
and then at the end of sec two we realise we got into the same class and so we're like "okay at least we have each other" and so we sat together, starting talking, and the next thing you know we started going recess together.

and as days go on and on,
we got closer,
and we eventually confided in each other about the problems we face.

somehow we both just could relate to one another,
and we'd listen, we'll cry, we'll laugh and we'll curse.

the times where we'll just sit down and talk,
or the times where we'll talk about our problems until we cry,
or the times where we'll just plain laugh our days away.
and not forgetting the times we sit down together and just get angry and curse at the irritants that we dislike.

and of cos ill never forget the times i tried to give her a hug and she's like "eww don't be so lesbiany"
and the times when i tell her "i love you friend"
and she's like "wah you're damn mushy / lesbiany / smth along the same lines"

and all these little little things that slowly bond us closer together just flash past my mind as i read through that testimonial over and over again.

and i only have just one thing to say,
something that once i say i'll never ever take it back again.

my dearest bullshit partner manpin,
thank you for all the times you put up with all my shit,
the times you listen through my problems although it seems as though its never-ending,
the times you stood up for me and stand by my side when shit friends do shit things to me,
the times you gave me advices when i needed them,
the times you scolded me because i refuse to eat,
the times we talk on the phone like there's everything in the world to talk about,
the times we cried together,
the times we scream and curse together,
the times we laughed as though we couldnt laugh anymore,
and the many many times we spent together.

and i give you my word that i'll be there for you until the end of time.

i love you,
always did and still do.

2006-08-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

i swear i don't know why i'm in here because i have nothing to say.

well life has been pretty mundane and boring,
barely coping with my studies but hey,
since when was i ever able to manage my studies properly.

only recent highlight was the purchase of my prom night gown,
and haha i feel so good.
i finally found something that ive been looking for a very long time,
something contemporary and against the typical "daniel yam" gown sort of fashion.
haha its not too early okay,
most of the people around have already bought it.

its the right time because according to rachel,
might as well buy early and you don't have to care about gown searching anymore,
(meaning i can spend my remaining time studying for the damned os)
and according to manpin,
we have exactly 12 days after olevels to our prom night,
and 12 days is too short to find a gown yeah?
considering the fact that the 12 days needs to be spent on:

1) finding the right make up store to do your makeup
2) finding the right hair-do to match your gown
3) sleeping your days away because you've probably exhausts all the brands chicken essence/ ginseng teas / espressos and most importantly your sleeping time while studying for olevels
4) going out with your girlfriend and friends and CHIONGGGGG AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
5) catch up on all the damned tv you missed, just imagine, "oh my god he's gotten married with that bitch for the entire time i was too busy to watch!!" and followed by long sappy weeping korean serials everynight
6) spending your time trying to get a part time job because while playing you exhausted all your financial funds or you're saving up for a big project. (eg, overseas trip and etc)
7) busy writing notes to your friends whom you know you'll cry your eyes out during prom night for cos you miss them so badly
8) charging your camera because you know you'll still want memories with them
9) basically going out everyday of your life doing things you love because olevels over = freedom
10) and lastly, catching up on your sleep again because you exhausted yourself while you over stretched your new found freedom

and with so many things in hand to do,
how are you supposed to still quiet your heart down and find THAT perfect gown?

2006-08-16T03:38:00.000-07:00

haha so much shit has happened in my life and my blog is just stagnant.

just a brief summary of what happened recently!

i went to a specialist to check my intestines cos they've been hurting rather badly,
and so after numerous blood tests, urine tests, stool tests, CT Scan (X-ray), and lastly a horrible colonoscopy (often said as "scope"),
and so the results are out and,
NO don't be ridiculous i do NOT have stomach cancer (hope you get what i mean)
its just that my intestines kinda twisted so they went into spasm and thats why it hurts and my intestines are inflammed (some bacteria infection) and so i am fine and still alive and kicking!

thanks everyone who messaged me and all to ask if im fine. (:

and yeah loads of things happened between me and my girlfriend,
but im glad we tide through that and we're much closer now than we ever used to be. (:

and i can only thank my love for the chance that she's given me,
and im sorry for all that i put you through.

i love you with all my heart and soul baby,
thanks for everything, really. (:

had the cute little one staying over at my place almost everyday since then,
and i must say ive been basking in bliss.
and somehow i just can't get enough of her. (:

the only thing is i haven't really accomplished much work haha,
sometimes i seriously wonder how i ever tide through the numerous tests and mock papers that we have every single school day.

baby's exams going on now and seeing her working so hard just makes me want to work harder too. (:

on a lighter note,
here's a song for my love

No, I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows

No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there but then I let you go
And now its only fair that I should let you know
What you should know

I can't live if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give anymore
Can't live if living is without you
Can't give, I can't give anymore

Without You - Air Supply

2006-07-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

if not for the few mugs of beer i tar-ed at wrench pub today,
i think i'd die of lack of alcohol.

beauty queen of only eighteen she,
had some trouble with herself.

and now im back home,
smelling of alcohol and smoke,
and trying to study.

he was always there to help her she,
always belonged to someone else.

i think im gonna head javen kor's advice and go head for a bathe before i actually start contemplating to study in this state.

i drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door,
ive had you so many times but somehow i want more.

my parent are flying overseas for a grand ten days starting monday,
and why do i not seem to be excited over the extra freedom that i'd be having.
maybe its just that i cant stand people not trusting me,
and showing that they actually dont straight in my face. period.

i don't mind spending everyday,
out on your corner in the pouring rain.
look for the girl with the broken smile,
ask her if she wants to stay around.

school and life has been pretty much of a wretched bitch.
except for the fact that ld drama fire prevention's got first runner-up. (:
(congratulations my beautiful juniors)
and haha i actually contibuted by being their keyboardist.
it wasnt an easy feat okay!
to actually learn a piano piece one day before the freaking finals,
and then heading down with them to play it during the skit.
when i have absolutely no musical background
(except before i quit grade one piano about like 10 years ago)

and she will be loved,
and she will be loved.

haha ive had some cashflow problems recently,
but i think im gonna tide through that soon.

tap on my window,
knock on my window i,
want to make you feel beautiful.
i know i tend to get so insecure,
but it doesnt matter anymore.

and i know this entire post doesnt make sense so,
it'll probably waste your time just reading this.
check back another time if you're expecting one of my usual emo posts.
and so sorry that this disclaimer came abit too late.

it's not always rainbows and butterflies,
its compromise that moves us along.
my heart is full and my door's always open,
you can come anytime you want.

and i must apologise because im blogging this in the middle of my half KO (knocked-out) state.
now how i love the wonders of alcohol.

i know where you hide,
alone in your car,
know all of the things that make you who you are.
i know that goodbye means nothing at all,
comes back and begs me to catch her everytime she falls.

and im so in love with "she will be loved" by maroon 5 because the lyrics is so beautiful.

tap on my window,
knock on my door i,
want to make you feel beautiful.

and she will be loved,
and she will be loved.

2006-07-11T09:11:00.000-07:00

leaving is such a frightening thought.

and thats what i just realise during the eldds elections stage interview today.

when i was guarding the door and looking at my beloved juniors going up one by one to go through the stage interview for elections,
i started having this feeling of nostalgic and nausea.
which was more i couldnt differentiate.

then i had this blur vision of myself walking up stage when i was a few years younger right infront of the entire sec four and the rest of ld,
and answering all the questions to prove my worth and convince the people why i should be in the comm.

it was bloody nerve wrecking,
the part about walking up stage with thousands of eyes staring at you and answering all those questions and hoping you dont fuck it up too badly.

but strangely enough,
i felt happy.

i felt happy and beaming with pride and this strong undying passion for ld when i walked up,
and that sort of helped soothe my nerves a little.
and thats how i go through stage interviews year by year,
walking up stage and feeling this strong feeling of love and passion for ld,
like im ready to go up and confess to the entire world that i love ld with all my heart and soul.

and somehow im standing at this position,
looking at all my juniors going up stage one by one,
just like how i did before.

and i see myself through their eyes,
how the sec fours are leaving,
and handing over the entire ld to them.
for them to create more miracles in the future,
like how our seniors once did,
and how we did.

and then i feel this pang of reluctance to leave.
and i find myself desperately clinging onto my cca of four years,
and my school of ten years.

and then i had this flashback of myself four years ago,
studying for my psle.

i was determined to get into stnicks secondary from stnicks primary,
and i was obsessedly in love with the school.

and one two months before my psle,
i locked myself in my room everyday just to study.
and i refused to allow myself out to play,
all because i want to come back into the school.

and i made it.

i came back,
through sheer hardwork and sweat.

and i had this other flashback of myself at sec one cca auditions.

i was so afraid of fucking my entire audition up,
and i remember the fear, agony, tears and the crazy desire to get into ld.

and i got in,
and i had never before been so happy in my life to be accepted into something.

and then i had this flashback of myself buying my first orange bowl in primary one,
and i was so afraid of toppling the bowl over.

and then i had this flashback of myself with all my friends in school,
and i felt like dying when i realise we're gonna be separated so soon.

and standing right there looking at my entire school life flash back before my eyes,
a huge wave of nostalgia overwhelmed me and i was just thinking,
how fast time can run before we even noticed its there.

and thats when i just realised how much im gonna miss all these things that we call "shit" and never once gave much of a damn about.

because cliche as it sounds,
the fact will always remain true that

its only until you're about to lose or lost something, then you'll finally realise how much it actually means to you.

2006-07-05T08:47:00.000-07:00

i have an infatuation for tuna shirts.

tuna shirts meaning, shirts with the tuna print on them.
it kinda has this huge tuna word and then a tuna logo ontop of it.
and the design actually looks kinda like puma.

hahaha i bought a whole load of them from bangkok the last time i was there.
the same shirt,
in a few different colours.

yes i know, tell me im insane please.

but i actually think they look good,
and the tuna logo thing is actually kinda cute haha.

school has been rather fine lately except for some hiccups here and there.
but like what i always say,
"no worries, i'll live."

hiccups here and there,
and one of them is regarding my hair colour.
because according to a certain interesting teacher it actually looks "brighter than the sun".
interesting!
ive never had a second person describe my hair in that same fashion.

my hair colour is natural,
just TRY to believe me in that.

and the rest are just mainly just the insane number of tests we have every damn day.
i can just see shann's shocked look when she disappeared from school for a week (the first week of school to be precise) when i messaged her to tell her what tests we have.

imagine this, this week alone we had three tests on tuesday, one on wed and one on thurs.
monday being a holiday to mug for the tests,
and friday being a day for you to sleep your ass off before you start losing ALL your sleep to study for the tests again.

haha check this out,
i didnt sleep a wink on monday,
and i dont think im gonna be catching a wink today either.

didnt sleep a wink meaning, staying up all night all the way till 6am in the morning and then you just go straight to get ready for school.

haha and i never had a more interesting year in my ten years of stnicholas.

and im completely obsessed with my emperor's cloak. (FIAALBOV ld 2006 production)

i think that is the coolest, blackest, and loveliest cloak any emperor can ever have.

if only not that i have no use, and will never have use for it,
and that since its custom made i have to put it in the ld room,
i swear i will frame that shit up and stare at it every single day of my life.

but anyway!
there ARE perks when you come to school because milo dinosaur completely brightens up my day. (:

if not only that they only sell them after school,
and i only have such a short time after school to be in love and date my milo dinosaur (lovingly sold by uncle mobeen's refreshment stall),
i swear ill be goddamn happy every minute of my life.

yes that is how much im obsessed with mobeen's milo dinosaur.

especially when they add on more powder,
and its such sweetness when i taste it in my mouth, my tongue.
now that's my darling milo dinosaur.

hahaha i sound like a country bumpkin drinking milo dinosaur for the first time.

and my darling milo dinosaur is one of the reasons why i keep staying in school for night study nowadays.
of cos apart from the reason that the school canteen can be such a serene place for studying when its late at night and no one's in school anymore except the sec fours who stayed for night study, and that its actually quite nice to be studying with your friends around, working hard together and all that cheesy shit,
my lovely milo dinosaur is what keeps me going on!

and i love that ringing of the end-extended-lessons-bell
and then its bringing your books down to the canteen where there's absolutely no one around except for the night study girls and you comfortably take a seat in any place you want to,
and then ill buy my milo dinosaur and sit down to study.
and i actually seem to study more now that i keep attending night study sessions.

and now i absolutely adore watching the sunset in school.

2006-07-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

for some reason or another i found myself back into blogger.com so i just decided to blog.
it's times like this when its 3am in the night and you're supposedly up studying with your books open right infront of you and then you start blog-hopping and you let your subconcious mind take over yourself and you start blogging yourself.

yes i know i havent been blogging for what, 2-3 months already.
and that's all because i THOUGHT my comp broke down.

yes, thought.

when i switched on my comp,
it told me that they couldnt log into my profile user,
and threw me at default user or some shit like that.
and when the page load, it looked so naked and unfamiliar i thought i'd lost all my files, songs, photos and what-have-yous and so i decided to just stop using my comp cos im so sick of my comp breaking down every month.

and for some strange reason or another,
i decided to switch on my comp just a few days ago and i realise my comp's actually really fine, with all my files still intact and its just the profile user thing which doesnt affect me much and i dont really care much about which profile am i log on to in my own comp so yes.
im finally back with comp, and blogging.

and i thought that was an entire chunk of shit which nobody is going to find interesting to read.

its 3.10 and i have yet to really get down to doing much work except what,
a few mcqs here and there.

haha i totally rock my sec four life.

but it's always nights like these when you resolve that you'll put thorns and spikes all around your bed and decided to stay up and study,
and then you get so frustrated with yourself you get up to get yourself some bailey's to drink,
in hope that your favourite alcoholic drink will (somehow) help,
and then your beloved sister walks into your room and casually reminds you that she bought your favourrrriitttteeeee hot cocoa with marshmallows that makes such nights all the more bearable.

what a sweet night,
with me staying up all by myself,
with my biology book,
my lovely hot cocoa with marshmallows,
and "straightjacket feeling" on replay.

2006-04-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

you know there are times when everything doesnt seem to go right,
and you really dont know what to do.

and im not even talking about things like sneaking into your parents' room in the middle of the night to steal some cash and they caught you doing it,
or even like not doing some shitface teacher's homework and they call up your parents,
or breaking this expensive vase in some antique shop and you dont exactly have the cash to pay for the breakages,
or even doing something to get your whole group of friends into shit and etc.

its about something absurd and caught you entirely offguard,
and the next thing you know nothing seems to go right,
and you really, as in really, dont know what to do.

its absurd and shocking/ jaw dropping and i dont even know how to describe it.

or maybe it isnt even that.

or maybe its just entirely weird and you just cant get over yourself.

or no.

maybe its just normal and you're just kicking up a big typhoon number 100 big fuss about it.
and fuss not whine whine fuss,
but making yourself feel like throwing up and nauseatic because you're basically feeling like shit, and you're so perplexed you dont even know what to do, and you just stone there because nothing ever seems to be right.

or maybe it isnt even that either.

but what the hell in the first place is considered normal?
what, no really what, cos i really want to know WHAT is normal.

but nobody can answer that because there's no right answer to that.

its not just differentiating right from wrong,
and the right being the normal.
because you'd never know that whether the right is always the normal.
it could have been the wrong thats been the normal one.

and its not just whats been happening all the time that's normal.
like oh, my dad drinks coffee every morning before work so that's normal that he's drinking that today as well.
no, that's not normal because why the hell is he drinking coffee every morning in the first place? and why does that make it normal?

maybe eventually there's nothing in this world that's normal at all.
maybe nothing is normal.

and then you go, "normal. n-o-r-m-a-l, normal. what normal."

because i really want to know.
what does n-o-r-m-a-l stand for?

maybe normal is just normal and im just making a big fuss out of it.

no, pardon me because i really dont know what ive been blogging about.
honest.

maybe im just traumatised, shell-shocked, disgusted, upset and so many other feelings all roll into one. maybe i just cant take so many feelings at once. maybe im just upset with myself. maybe im just feeling plain shit. maybe im just goddamn irritated. maybe im just being mad here.

its not even the basic insecurities or jealousy which can be easily solved.
its about something worse, some feeling even etched more deeply inside.
etched so blur you cant see what is it and all you know, is you feel something and that feeling is obviously not a good one.

do you get what i mean?
because i don't.

have you ever wondered why i always kidnap your stuffs?

like your club21 shirt, white shorts, school shorts, g-star arm band, some of your socks (i bet you didn't know you left them at my place), your top that im wearing today, and etc etc.

because i like the feeling of having a part of you with me, everywhere i go.
and i like the smell of you everywhere around me.
and i remember one of the rare nights that i slept so well was one night that i wore your club21 tshirt home with your smell still on it and i fell straight into a deep sleep with your clothes that smell of you.

but somehow it doesnt seem enough anymore.
because im feeling so empty and horrid here i don't know what to do.
and you must think im mad because im kicking up a big fuss over nothing.

but im never sane anyway.

2006-03-21T07:46:00.000-08:00

i only just realise that its been so bloody long since i last touched my blog.
my last post was made on the 2nd of march and its already the end of march and soon my birthday's coming.

hahaha ahem ahem my birthday's coming!
and my birthday happens to fall on a thursday which is cca day, ld day, and hooray! im only let off at 6 plus.

in any case,
the one week march holidays hasnt been much productive.
in fact its been quite a slacker week and i haven't any idea what ive accomplished.
but ive been meeting my baby everyday
and one day when i was on my way to her house i noticed three interesting facts about khatib mrt station.

1) they have loads of goth guys with eyeliner who wears one side of a jacket.
2) they have army girls which, truth to say, i havent seen one before.
3) they have birds that fly in a hugggggggeeeee group and then land on a huge patch of grass together and pose. as in literally, pose.

all right i know i havent been able to blog a decent post in years,
but i admit my creative juices are running out and i haven't, a single idea, of what to blog.

honest.

so till then,
ill try and do some productive stuff like doing homework, or smth.

and because i can only concentrate at night,
after like say 11pm,
so if i have the determination to do work i end up sleeping at unearthly hours at 3/4 am.
makes me wonder sometimes what do i do with my afternoons.

but because of a few reasons i haven't been able to burn my midnight oil and do proper work,

1) because i do crap in the afternoons and i end up being so tired at night, when its time to start work (eg, 11pm) i go "okay i'll set alarm for a half an hour nap before waking up to do some work." and then i set my alarm, and when it rings i press the "snooze" button about a 200000 times in the night and in my frustration i press it off and i end up sleeping till the next morning.

2) i get so lazy i end up going to bed.
simple as that.

3) i open my diary and then i see the huge amount of homework im overdued with and then i go, "fuck im so dead" and then i head to bed, to die.

so i think that's all the excuses i can think about to cover my ass for why i haven't been able to do any productive work lately.

i say excuses because i learn!
yes, my beloved geography teacher has written all of the geog remedial girls and schedule for term 2 remedial and in one of her very sacastic sentences above she mentioned lines that goes like this "please note there is a difference between reasons and excuses..."

so hooray! now we all know there IS a difference, afterall.

because stupid people like me, NEVER learn.

so i think im gonna go procrastinate,
and ill come back in a bit to tell you guys whether i did any productive work tonight.

nights!

2006-03-02T01:09:00.000-08:00

HELLO everybody!
yeah im feeling good and fine
and thats hell of a very warm opening.

hahahahaha.
honestly im good and alive,
and over the whole damn debate thing.

okay maybe not exactly over the whole debate thing,
but more of over losing and being defeated.
so haha, im really allright.

so yes instead of being so emo all the time,
im gonna have a change for once and blog a happier entry.

and yes im going to stop apologising but,
instead a big thank you to everyone who has been there for me all these while!
you guys know who you are. (:

i mentioned that im good and alive,
im emphasizing on the "alive" because haha everyone saw the big hoohah on wednesday.

basically we were doing pe and having a friendly game of handball
as usual like how its been for the past one year ive been the goalie for the team or just the one who stands at the goal line waiting for the opponent to try and kick/slam/throw/shoot the ball/whatever pe equipment/potential hurting weapons into the goalpost/net/hoolahoop/just me there waving the hands trying to get the ball etc.

im always doing this role because

- i am darn unfit for any physical activities so if im the player i'd probably, say,
1) have butter fingers and even if i manage to catch the damn ball i'd let it slip off my fingers
2) or catch the ball already and have parallex error while trying to throw the ball to my team and end up throwing it into a empty space into the air or into an opponent's hands
3) catch a ball and have a poor judgement/panic and end up thinking the opponent's my team and end up throwing the ball straight into my opponent's hands
4) or worse of all, because usually games work very fast everyone be running from one end of the field to the other to pass the ball around but ill be running SO slowly i cant even get contact with the ball at all

- opponents always use a few ways to get the ball pass the goalie by
1) observing the way the goalie works to catch the ball and then throwing it in such a way the goalie can't move in time
2) slamming it straight into the goalie's face/body/legs/any other body parts because most of the time by normal human instincts and the need to protect oneself the goalie will obviously be smart enough to "siam" the ball and unwillingly let the ball in

- and because of all these reasons im good as a goalie because
1) im physically unfit so standing there waiting for the goal to come is the only one perk the goalie can get
2) whenever i play these games i have this disillusion that i have body made of steel/metal/whatever unbreakable material and like my teammates know, if i cant catch the ball i'd be using my bodyparts to block the goal from going in and end up falling onto the floor with the ball in my arms as if the ball suddenly becomes "snitch" in harry potter, not forgetting the multiple injuries my body will get.

so okay that's hell load of a sidetracking that i cant seem to remember what i wanted to talk about in the first place.
oh yes the game of handball.
so i was the goalie of my team again,
and this time i have abrasions on my knees, my elbow and the side of my hip/waist or like what wanxin says my pelvis.

but it wasnt because i was throwing my life away to save a goal.

it was because i cant remember who but my opponent threw the ball off court,
so i was running to get the ball back for the game to continue and i trip over this long strip of metal that surrounds the field and then i flew,
as in literally flew,
and landed on the track.

i landed on my knee first, then my elbow and pelvis and then i rolled to my back and laid flat on the ground.

initial reaction from the class was i was just playing a fool and lying on the floor even though i was fine but slowly it went from
"is she dead?!"
to "oh my god i think she fainted!!"

and then a whole troupe of people ran over to my side and the first person i saw was hueiminn and then i couldnt see anything anymore.

OF COURSE i was KIDDING,
cos yes i didn't faint at all.
actually if i remembered correctly i was laughing as though i had convulsions on the floor.

and then i realised that i actually suffered from abrasions and then its being attended to by the three lovely stjohn girls in my class namely dior, wanxin and huiwen.

they tried cleaning my wound with alcohol swap and i cried and scream as though they're putting a knife through my stomach or smth.

but hey it's my first injury!

okay yes with this statement i think everyone would be gaping/jaw drop with the
"you are going to be SIXTEEN years of freaking age and you've never suffered from injuries before?!"

ahem.

in anycase,
im enjoying life now cos i was too paralysed to walk/move/get my ass off the bed to school so im at home with all the time in my life.
when at this point of time im supposed to be studying in school and having eldds.

so yes im good and alive and kicking life in the ass!

okay now its back to studying.

2006-02-25T01:48:00.000-08:00

i took a long time to start this blog entry.
i just sat infront of my computer staring at the empty blog page,
wondering what else am i left to say.

yes, we were defeated.
in the interclass debate finals on the 23rd february 2006,
infront of the entire school during assembly,
we were defeated.
and just by a mere one and a half marks.

i know i should have more sportsmanship in this,
and take on it easy,
and let go of it easy too.

but it really isnt that easy,
to just let it go,
and accept the fact that we lost,
that we were defeated.

already two days has passed,
but i still have yet to get over it.
at least,
not yet.
not so soon.

defeat,
everyone has been defeated.
i have been defeated several times too.

it hurts,
because we spent so much effort in this.
it hurts,
because we forsake all our tests and work just to prepare for this.
it hurts,
because we havent been able to catch any sleep at all for the previous few nights before the debate.
it hurts,
because we put so much hope in this.
it hurts,
because we brought up stage with us the anxieties, hopes, well-wishes, lucks, hard work, and support of so many people.
and it hurts so bad,
because we lost after all of that, and we let so many people down.

im sorry to my girlfriend,
for having to stay up with me for so many nights,
for going through with me all my anxieties and shit that i had in preparation for the debate,
for having to counsel me and give me advices and to endure all the shit and crying i throw at her before and after the debate.
and ontop of enduring all these shit,
to have to give me the mental support and all the moral support i need because without her i would have broken down completely.
and for coming all the way down to school just to support me in the debate.

im sorry to my beloved sister,
who stayed up just to help edit our scripts,
who put in so much hard work and effort to support us and to give us all the advice and notes and help that we have ever needed,
to listen to the way we spoke and to correct us in every way that she could.
and to come down all the way to school to give us the support,
and even had to endure mrs tian's threatens to kick her out of the hall if she does not stop discussing the debate and write down notes and rebuttals and try to pass it to us.

im sorry to my debators,
because i screwed up so badly in the finals where i could have done so much better.
and if i hadn't screwed up so badly we might have gotten back the 1.5 marks,
and we might have won.
and for forsaking all the tests and work just for this debate,
and for staying over at manpin's house the day before to prepare for the debate,
and for losing so much sleep over this.
because this is teamwork,
and every member is equally important,
and every member's performance in affecting the final score is equally heavy.
and i could have done better,
so so much better.

im sorry to my advisors manpin and jacintha,
because if you both had taken my place up stage instead of me,
we might have won.
and for spending so much effort to help us during the course and in the process of the debate.
and for working so hard to win the preliminary rounds,
and to let me take over in the end and screw it up so badly.
and especially to manpin for letting us crash her house the day before,
and to stay up with us and lose so much sleep,
where she could have been studying for the two tests on that day.
and for skipping wwe on tv to help us.
where she could have relaxed and slept much earlier.
and for supporting us all the way.

im sorry to my entire class, sec 4 unity,
for having to face disappointment because we lost.
for spending so much time to do the banner "Go 4 unity!",
for screaming their lungs out during the assembly to show their support.
and be the first class to reach the hall.
and also for sticking by us and standing up for us when outsiders criticise us for being so lousy,
and for having been such good supporters,
and letting me see the true spirit of what it really means by class spirit.

im sorry to mrs chan, our form teacher and english teacher,
who is equally haunted by the debate as the rest of us are,
because she once told me she woke up in the middle of the night at 2am because she suddenly thought about a point that we could use, and couldnt get back to sleep after that.
and the way she'd grab the debators when she crosses paths with us in the school to tell us about some new points she thought or some analogy etc.
and for having so much faith in us,
and for supporting us all the way through.

im sorry to all the supporters,
whether its from my class, or other classes.
anyone who had faith in 4unity,
and anyone who supported 4unity to win.

im sorry to everyone,
because of the way i let all of you down.

2006-02-17T00:53:00.000-08:00

and i don't think i could ever find anyone else as sweet as her,
who come rushing down to visit me the moment i said i was feeling down.
even though it's her exam period.

and i don't think i could ever find anyone else as caring as her,
who offered to come down to toapayoh to look for me the moment she hear me cry over the phone.
and not hesistating to so do even though she had to wait for two hours at toapayoh central for my tuition to end,
and even though she is already quite far behind in studying for her exams.

and i don't think i could ever find anyone else as loving as her,
who sprung a pleasant surprise on me by buying me my favourites,
roses and cakes,
just to see me smile again.

and making sure with an extra effort,
to get me the biggest rose available there.

and i don't think i could ever find anyone else as adoringly silly as her,
to stay with me all the way till 4am in the morning to make sure i felt allright,
and to watch me do my work even though she was terribly sleepy,
and she desperately need a sleep after losing sleep for so many days to study for her exams.
after which im finally feeling better and have finished doing my work, when she called a cab and only reached home at an unearthly hour of 4.40am in the morning,
giving me a call to check that im fine before going to bed.

and i don't think i could ever find anyone else as perfect as her,
in every single thing that she does for me,
and in every single bit of what she is.

thank you babe, for always being there.

2006-02-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

the tension gets strung higher and higher
and you feel everything's closing in,
caving in,
walls pulling themselves closer to each other.

you find yourself running and running,
down and down and across the lane,
and walls close in behind you,
like the reverse motion of the parting red sea.

you run you run you run,
you pant and pespire.
"stop it!" you shout,
but no one hears you.
the waves that are crashing are not just drowning your voice,
they are drowning you in as well.

you run you run you run,
"count the median mark from the left of the graph!"
"and if you dont do your work and you dont listen, the one that's going to suffer in the end is you"
"i seriously havent done anything productive all day long"
"it would be nice if you could, once in your life to at least pass a chem test once."
"ill be giving out homework am8 today, and to those who owe me em4, em5, am1, am2, am3, am5, am6, am7, and am8, could you please hand them up to me."
"its really not that difficult to pass a maths test"
"so, how many tests have you had this week?"
"and have you even begun to do anything for it at all?"
"i cant sleep tonight i cant sleep tonight i gotta finish everything.."

and you run you run you run,
voices screaming from all four corners and from within,
walls continue crashing into you like frantic waves rushing down.
and they chase you,
right at your heel.

and you run you run you run.
"stop it!"
you shouted at the top of your lungs,
and you get swept off your feet into the merciless sea
and you struggle to get up,
get out of the water.
you kick, you flap your arms around,
you scream into the water,
you choke and loses your balance.

and everything stops moving in that macrosecond.

2006-02-03T02:11:00.000-08:00

its been a long time since i last blogged.
havent switched on the comp for a long time already.
allright, maybe it wasnt that long.

it just felt long because so many things happened.

yup, happy new year everyone.

and i love the way our bodies connect when we dance together.
it was a blast on the 27th night,
credits to my baby.
i have never been able to connect myself so much with someone when i dance.
and its even sexier when my partner's the girl that i love with all my heart and soul.
and she dances just so well. (:

and imagine in the middle of the night,
at one two am,
when you fall asleep beside your phone waiting for a call from her,
you wake up when someone opens your door
and you see her standing at your door walking towards you.
you get patted to bed,
slowly
slowly
slowly
with the silence of the night
the cool from the aircon
with her sitting next to you on your bed
slowly
slowly
slowly
patting you back to bed.
and you fell into a deep deep sleep.
and she leaves.

my sweet baby,
have i ever told you how sweet you are?

and after indulging in haagen dazs cookies and cream with you couching infront of the tv today,
i still get to see you tomorrow again.

you my baby,
is the reason why i live.

and eminem's music lifts my soul.
cookies and cream icecream rocks my socks.

and the debate finals topic rocks my socks even more.

This house believes that parents should be held responsible when their children breaks the law.

we're the proposition.

and i dont even have any idea how to start.

2006-01-23T03:45:00.000-08:00

PIMPFACTORY presents:
BACK TO SCHOOL party on 27th Jan.
Come in your old school uniform to the 'Pavilion' at Far East Square and party the night away!!
Call or sms ELIZA at 97203261 for tickets now!
presale - $18

2006-01-21T20:38:00.000-08:00

it was our eighth month anni two days ago.
20th january 2006.
a day that i've been waiting for for a very long time.

i bought her present a week before,
four different towels from aussino.
one large dark green bathing towel,
one royal red medium hand towel,
one light green/yellow small face towel,
and one blue small face towel.

crappiest idea ive ever thought about,
but im glad she liked it.

the day started off in school,
and the same old things that goes on inside there.
and right after chinese remedial i sped my way back home.

my beloved was already waiting for me underneath my condo,
with a bouquet of beautiful red roses,
my favourite.

no one could have imagined the happiness and joy i felt,
its the very idea of she remembering what you like,
and also the blissful, close to tears feeling of recieving it from her.

hugging the bouquet of roses close to my bosom,
we went up to my house.

was supposed to hurry to bathe and go out to watch memoirs of a geisha,
but i had just too much to say to her,
and we ended up spending too much time with her mp3 and chatting.

so we stayed at home,
me bathing,
and she putting in songs into her mp3 from my comp,
and couch potato-ing at the usual spot to watch some tv.

dressed up after that and headed down to toapayoh lorong eight for some kway chap.
it was delicious, so to say.
accompanied by our usual orders of teh beng.

took a cab down to toapayoh centre to pick kane and juan up before heading down to coco latte.
all of us got a vip card!
except that we had to fill in our particulars before recieving the vip card.
i couldnt think of a proper id for myself on the spot,
so i got my lovely to fill the form in for me.
but turns out my silly girl filled in quite a phony looking id for me.
was pretty amused when i managed to get the vip card as well.
got in for free,
and had free flows for the entire night.

tar-ed the standard house pours,
except coco latte's house pours were a little more extensive and better than other club's housepours.
ontop of the usual vodka, gin and ton and bourbon housepours,
we had a constant refill of vodka shot, gin and ton, tequila shots, vodka cran, whisky shot and my beloved's orange juice.

played spot the difference games on the player in the club,
four of us managed to clinch the top scorer!
went up to the second level to continue drinking and dancing to the music.

my baby sent me home after that,
but all i could remember was myself staggering and leaning against my baby,
and then a semi-knocked out ride back home.

along the way up we met my sister and sean,
and four of us went up together.
ive no idea how i ended up in the toilet,
but the two of us were puking alongside each other.

my love only had a gin and ton that night,
so we suspected that the kway chap was the one that caused food poisoning.
i was puking for both,
the food poisoning and from the drinks.

and everything ended beautifully with my girlfriend putting me on the bed with a goodnight kiss,
and a straight knock out after that.

somehow i woke up again at 5am,
saw my love lying beside me,
got up to stroke her hair and i went back to bed.
i dont know what happened to me,
but i repeated the entire process again at 7am.

and i suffered from a hang over for the entire day yesterday.

my baby was worse,
she had bad food poisoning plus she was feeling weak all over.

went down to her house yesterday to visit her.
had a nice and peaceful sleep in her arms again even though it was only for about an hour.
both of us felt much better after that deep sleep,
and i joined my family for dinner over at imperial treasure.

and this baby,
is one girl that i want for myself forever.
and will be,
for a very very long time to come.

2006-01-18T03:33:00.000-08:00

there's no other better way to make me so calm and peacefully happy than spending an entire afternoon falling asleep inside your arms with you patting me to bed.
i have never been able to slip into dreamland so softly and gently before,
just like the soft waves of the sea gently caressing the beach,
softly teasing the feets of the laughing people at the beach.
so peaceful and calm,
just like the nature.

and its only you,
only you,
that can put me to bed so tenderly.

2006-01-14T19:58:00.000-08:00

Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Please Come back home

and sometimes i think i react too much about the smallest things on earth.
too much drama in your life makes you feel really fucked up sometimes.
sometimes i just want to be normal for a bit.
take it easy eliza
deep breath
and shut up with all your dramamama.
sometimes i feel like keeping all my energy, spark, live, laughter all into little bottles.
because i feel like i seem to be losing it all.

And I find myself trying to stay by the phone
Because your voice always helps me to not feel so alone

call me,
because everytime i hear your voice,
i feel as though ive never been happier.

Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Please Come back home

maybe i take things too seriously,
way too seriously.
i ought to get a grip on myself.
where have all your sense of humour went to?
where have all your spontaneity went to?
where are all your energy, live, spark, laughter?
catch them back,
before everything is too late.

2006-01-09T05:07:00.000-08:00

In my dreams I'm not so far away from home,
What am I in a world so far away from home,
All my life all the time so far away from home,
Without you I'll be so far away from home.

my pillar of support,
my pillar of strength.
the one thats always unwavering
beside me, with me, carrying me.

you, my baby.
the one that never left me.
the one that never gave up on me.
the one who lifted me up.
and continued to carry me all the way through no matter how the weight seems to get heavier and heavier.

thank you babe,
my girlfriend, bestfriend, confidant, and my everything all rolled into one.

If we could make it through the darkest night
we'd have a brighter day.
the world I see beyond your pretty eyes,
makes me want to stay.

and apologies to everyone for the big hoohah in class today.
okay probably not everyone,
just the people who spent hours talking sense into me and who witnessed it.

yes i know,
what doesnt kill me just makes me stronger.
and crying is a sign of weakness.

probably all along ive put way too much stress on myself,
and let the smallest things affect me in however way it comes.

ill get over it,
and take good control of myself.

and no more breaking down in the middle of a class
using up manpin's huge packet of tissues
and then have manpin and shann trying to talk sense into me when it seems as though nothing seems to be able to get better.

and then listening to rachel sharing her experiences with me,
letting me know that my situation isnt really the worse,
and that its not end of the world.
because after hearing her story you'll realise what you go through might not be really that bad.

and then crying myself to sleep on shann's table,
falling asleep to the soft coos of the emo songs from shann's nano.

and then you wake up,
and everything will get better.
what doesnt kill you,
just makes you much stronger.

and i dry my eyes again.

2006-01-08T08:31:00.000-08:00

and to zobby and shann,
im fine really.

im fine cos ill be fine
and i know everything's gonna be allright.
somehow or another.

thats to the only two people who left a comment on my blog,
and both to tell me to cheer up and tell me that they're there.
sweet, really.

im fine really,
at least i know ill still be alive and kicking for a long time to come.

2006-01-08T08:21:00.000-08:00

why do you want to be with me, really?
because really, im just a cracked up asshole who has a fucked up mind thats going crankier by the day.
ever since i felt all these stress coming to me i havent been myself.
and i completely hate this idiot that im becomming.

im becomming a crazy
cranky
insane
fucked up
petty
unreasonable asshole.

wake up eliza,
she deserves someone much better than you.

2006-01-07T22:34:00.000-08:00

unreasonable
petty
over sensitive
melancholic
full of tears
reverse psychology
stubborn
fear to face matters
running away
hiding
weak
vulnerable

were never words that described me in the past.

but now i feel like just dropping myself,
giving up,
and throw myself into despair.

at least its much better than what im facing right now.

but i wont.
because thats cowardice,
weak,
and a wimp.

human beings are born to think,
born to work,
born to do.

not born to run,
born to hide.

all the time what you see on the outside
is never whats inside.
in this society if all you see is surface deep,
then ive got to say i pity you.
because nothing is as simple as it seems.

behind every success are curtains and curtains to hide the pain, anguish, fear, sweat thats behind it.
most of the people never show,
thats why most of the people never know.

and then so why do people still work so hard for things that people dont appreciate,
people dont see,
people dont feel?

because eventually if you work hard enough and you win everyone else around you,
people will see it,
and you'll get what you want.

and thats when you know deep down inside of yourself,
who is the real winner here.

and most of us know that being able to get everything you want,
do everything you want,
is worth it for all the shit that goes on behind the curtains of your own glamorous stage.

2006-01-07T22:09:00.000-08:00

my dead computer's finally revived,
with the extra bonus that all my files are still intact.

my harddisk crashed, so..
my cousin had to copy my files and redo the entire comp.
but the bad part,
from windows xp now its windows 2000.
and yes windows 2000 is so much worse than windows xp.
but cant help it!
my cousin couldnt find the windows xp cd.

been busy busy everyday,
either studying, tuitioning or catching up on sleep or having school, cca and all those.
it sucks la if you ask me.
plus the extra shit of falling really sick.
saddening.

2005-12-23T23:10:00.000-08:00

its raining because i dont have you here.
its raining so heavily because i wont be having you for christmas.

but im happy, still.
because we just spent an entire week together at my house.
and spending an entire week with you every single minute is even better than spending a christmas with you, or clubbing once with you.

because i love the way you radiate so much heat when you sleep at night
so much heat that i get so worried you might be having fever instead
that i get up to feel your forehead for any temperature.
then your heater arms will wrap me like an octopus and grab me back down to bed and shove my head into your heater chest and neck.

and i love the way when we watch dvd, you grab the blanket out to the living room and cover the both of us, sharing one recliner.
and then when i sweat like mad onto you, you dont seem to realise.
and also the very interesting fact that when i fell asleep throughout the movie you dont seem to realise either.

and i also love the way we wake up in the morning and we spend time debating who goes to wash up first.

and i love the way you continue sleeping on my bed when i get up for tuition.
because its especially enchanting when i go back into my room after tuition and i see you there curling up with chicken little 2 by your side.

and i love the way we wash the dishes together after meals.
you soap the dishes, i wash the soap off.

and although i hate the way you always attitude me when you're doing your work,
i still love studying beside you.

and i love the way we go out of the house together.

and i love the many many things about you.

and next week, your house.
and im still waiting for my surprise.

2005-12-21T21:31:00.000-08:00

my comp crashed.
okay that explains the lack in posts.
its pretty upsetting, really.
because almost everyone's computer is part of their lives,
probably a pretty big part of their lives even.

my playlist, my photos,
and every single other crap ive got in that maniac comp of mine.

its probably such a big thing when your computer crashed because you've saved everything inside that small thing.
all the huge playlists you spent years building up,
all the photos that you spent years taking with the people that probably aint in your life anymore,
all the programmes that you painstakingly found and would need,
and everything else thats just inside.
i can easily access the internet and messenger with any other computer out there,
but its just different.
even the feeling of blogging here and using msn on this laptop is entirely different.

okay you know what?
i think ive already said i think im perfectly insane.

a hell load of a packed up events this week!
with my girlfriend staying over twice this week,
and us going out together everyday,
kelly and rebecca staying over on monday,
and tuitions and tuitions and more tuitions (yes i am worried about the four review tests when school reopens)
rushing work with my beloved.
and a hell load more.

christmas this weekends.
anyone has plans?
i think i do. ;)

except that im completely broke.

2005-12-17T06:23:00.000-08:00

jay chou's music makes me... sad.

but not really sad.

its more like,
when i listen to it, i start going into a trance.
and then i feel my eyes go watery and everything becomes a blur.
and my head spins spins spins...
just like being twirled around on a finger
a small doll being twirled around on a huge finger
so huge you cant see anything else.
except, the finger.

the more i talk about it really,
it makes me feel like im narrating about a dream.

i hate dreaming
because the moment i close my eyes all i see are monsters and evil ghosts.
and if one day i close my eyes and i see merry go rounds and happy balloons,
i would hate waking up realising life isnt just about that.
so i'd rather i dont dream, at all.

but seriously i guess life isnt that bad afterall.
because im already seeing everything turning its way for the better.
a few weeks more of intensive studying with my girlfriend beside me,
kbox for us to scream our lungs out,
and as long as i dont give a fuck about the people who are giving me stress,
and i tide through all this shit.
i'll be fine.

of cos not without hugging our lovely chicken little 2 and piggy to bed everynight,
and some merry go round rides at paragon,
and our daily 24/7,
and our loads more plans we have yet to complete.

life is great because..
life will be great.

what a huge change of emotions just within three entries made on the same day.

i seriously think im nuts.

2005-12-17T02:02:00.000-08:00

why is it that when some people are sad and lonely,
they have the whole world comforting them.
and when others are sad and lonely,
they get abandoned,
slammed at by people who think they're just asking for attention.

in case you were wondering,
im not talking about myself.

im fine, really.
i'll be fine.

im fine because i know if i ever feel sad or lonely,
upset and unsafe,
i have my girlfriend.
and having her with me is the best thing i'd ever have in my whole lifetime.

thats why i say,
fuck my insecurities,
fuck my possessiveness.

i swore never to let jealousy, paranoia, insecurities, possessiveness get the better of me anymore.
not when it ate up the whole of me in the past.

because i know if i do,
it'll eat me up,
slowly, bit by bit.
and when im entirely gone,
it'll eat up our relationship as well.
and that includes kris.

i swore to myself before everything ever started,
to protect my beloved girlfriend from harm,
and to only give her happiness and all of me.

"but thats what you get for falling again,
you can never get them out of your head."

true, because i feel everything's creeping back to me over again.

ive been trying to deal with myself for the past few weeks.
i'll get better.
because ive got her,
and with her,
everything will get better.
i just know it.

and i love hugging our little chicken little 2 to bed
because i know out there at the other end,
you are there hugging our little chicken little 1 to bed as well.
it makes me sleep better,
and chases away my nightmares.
along with the little piggy you gave me.

2005-12-17T00:24:00.000-08:00

third blog in succession!
finally, after a long while of deliberation and all those busy busy shit.
having a blog is good,
because you get to vent everything you ever wanted to say
and because i know no one will read my blog,
perhaps for the exception of my dearest girlfriend,
i know my vents will be vented at no audience in particular.
and that's good.

i know i used to blog at my previous blogs for an audience.
i blogged, because i want people to read.
come on, admit it everyone does that.
but now its a different thing.
because im no longer blogging for the sake of letting people read.
because seriously if you hate me, or you dont read my blog,
i dont really.. give a shit.
and i would rather forget that i owned the previous two blogs i had.

i would most probably link up my old guestbook,
since the links part look terribly pathetic.
and unless i can get a nice kind soul to do me a template,
it would probably hang on like this for a long time to come.
because i suck at html.

and have i ever said?
i hate crying every single day of my life.
i went through that and i dont want to go through the same old shit again.
i am human and everyone has a limit to certain things.
i am not strong, i am weak.
and i have to admit, im terribly weak.
i dont like the feeling of crying myself to bed everynight,
and wake up in the morning crying again.
i never did cry infront of my girlfriend before,
but if this carries on and on,
sooner or later i will.
because i'll be breaking down everywhere i go.
and i dont want to cry infront of her,
because i dont want her to see me like this.

i decided to finally eat my first meal for the day,
at four pm.

and when i walked out of my study room to get my chopsticks,
i saw my mom setting up the christmas tree by herself.
and when i saw that i can't help crying all over again.
because its a tradition that at this point of the year every year,
i'll be setting up the christmas tree with my mom.

what is christmas this year, really.
where will i be?
after all the family gathering function.
sad at home?
or happy out with my girlfriend?